Bitch

bitchBitch.  The name called to me from across the aisle.  Scribbled in the haphazardly angular curls of handwritten cursive, a combination of the hastiness of today and the delicate detail of yesteryear, upon a subtle pink label edged with alternating tiny black hearts and daggers, I laughed out loud. This would be an awesome wine.

When I buy wine, two criteria guide me: the price and the label.

Call me cheap, but the price tag is the first thing I look at when I buy wine.  I refuse to buy a bottle of wine that costs more than $15, so if the bottle costs more than that, I won’t give it a second glance.  Some of the best wines I have ever tasted have cost me only $9.  Perhaps I am not as cultured enough as some of the wine snobs who won’t drink anything but the finest wine made from grapes crushed by the dainty feet of a perfectly proportioned Italian beauty, but the fact is that my tongue cannot tell the difference between relatively cheap and more expensive wines. Since that is the case, why spend the money on one ridiculously expensive wine when you can spend the same amount of money for two or even three bottles of a perfectly good, less costly vintage?

That said, the price was definitely right when I stumbled across Bitch.  At about $10 a bottle (not including the discount I would get if I paid in cash), Bitch was on the right track.

In addition to price, the label is an incredibly important factor in my wine purchasing escapades.  I’m not talking about the information on the label; I don’t care what year it is, or from what vineyard it came, or any of the garbage that usually guides cultured wine buyers.  No, gentle readers, I buy my wine by the artistic design of the label.  The physical label itself has to entertain me, tickle my funny bone, make my inner (almost non-existent) graphic designer jealous.  I’m certainly not picky.  After all, I did buy a bottle of wine once because it had a picture of a giant rooster on it.  (Incidentally, that happens to be one of my favorite wines.  But that’s another story for another time.)

bitch back

After laughing aloud at the front label (and drawing a few odd stares from the other patrons around me in the liquor store) I turned it over to find out more: what kind of wine is it?  What kind of grape?  Where is it from?  With what kind of expertly-prepared dinner should I pair it?

Instead of the usual fluff about the fullness of body and hints of random fruits and berries and flowers like a high-end perfume, I was greeted with a repetition of the word “bitch.”  Sixty seven times, in fact, followed by “and bitch some more.”  Surely you must have guessed that that won me over immediately, and I bought the bottle without further hesitation.

To me, a wine is acceptable if: 1) The flavor is pleasing to the palate upon first contact with said wine, and 2) the aftertaste, if there is one at all, is minimal and inoffensive.

I’m sad to say that Bitch met neither of these rather simple criteria. The first drops on my tongue tasted like grapey acid, a sour and heinous gulp of liquid evil.  As for the aftertaste… You know that feeling in your mouth when you forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed at night and you wake up with that sticky dragon breath?  That feeling is the closest I can come to describing it.  It’s a shame, really. My mind had prepared my tongue for a smooth, fruity trip down tasty lane.  Not so, gentle readers.

Oftentimes, if a wine fits only one of the aforementioned criteria for acceptability, I still deem it drinkable, although usually following a bottle of a delightful gift from the gods that has gotten me shnookered enough that I don’t notice the foulness of the second bottle that passes my lips.  It’s a shame that Bitch couldn’t even be considered as a last resort, it was so awful.  So, you can understand why I was seriously disappointed by the result of my first taste of this devil’s drink.

I can’t help but be surprised at some of the online “professional” reviews of this wine:

Supple, sweet, and tasty, this wine totally over-delivers for its humble price and is an exceptional value.

Riiiiiiiiight.

This red is on the money for what it’s trying to be, and is arguably more effective than a box of Godiva chocolates at 1/3 the price.

Sorry, pal.  Having worked at Godiva for a couple years, I can say with all certainty that this sludge comes nowhere near the heavenly taste and effectiveness of Godiva chocolates.

Let’s have a look at what other, perhaps more amateur online reviewers had to say:

Amazing wine. Smoothe and light leaves a beautiful flavor.

Whatever inspired it, thank goodness it arrived, because it is better than a box of chocolates.

I guarantee you that if you try this wine, you will LOVE it.

Seriously, people?  What wine were you drinking?  It certainly wasn’t the bottle of evil that charmed its way into my house like Count Dracula at his most suave.  I only found one review I could agree with:

Tastes like ass but looks good with the BITCH label.

I think that about sums it up: this wine tastes like ass.  Ass that is past its prime. Would I recommend it? Hell no.  Would I bring it as a gift to a party hosted by some snarky nemesis of mine?  You bet.  In any case, I want my $10 and my taste buds back.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Otto von Kotzenmeister
    Nov 30, 2009 @ 13:24:04

    Sad but true. I think I saw the sink drain wince a little bit as I poured the rest of the bottle down the drain. It might just be a gag wine and the label refers to how much people will bitch about it. Or maybe, given some of the quoted reviews, the taste of ass is “in” this year.

    Reply

  2. Gary
    Nov 30, 2009 @ 17:14:32

    I must admit that I am a little let down. With a name like “Bitch”, I was REALLY hoping you would say that you have found your new favorite wine! Sounds like it would make a GREAT gag gift for someone this Christmas so I will being purchasing a bottle of bitch anyway. LOL

    Reply

  3. nutmegnanny
    Nov 30, 2009 @ 19:57:57

    The really funny thing is that I have had this wine several times and I actually enjoyed it. I’m wondering if you either got a bad bottle/batch or I’m just fond of the taste of ass….hahaha. Oh I also just recently found a bottle of “Bitch Bubbly” pink sparkling wine.

    Reply

    • megan
      Nov 30, 2009 @ 22:54:57

      I’m hoping it was a bad bottle. I’ve had that happen with beer before, where every bottle tastes skunky for a month or so, then it clears up. I’m half tempted to get another bottle just to make certain…

      Reply

  4. Gary
    Dec 01, 2009 @ 01:24:33

    Maybe 2008 was just a bad year for bitch? Maybe you should try a different year perhaps?

    Reply

  5. Joy
    Dec 01, 2009 @ 11:32:24

    OMG, I’m laughing. I’ve missed you Megan. I’m going to look for this wine for a gag gift for a game we play with my family at Christmas. You could have gotten a bad bottle but with a name like Bitch, maybe it just wanted to give you something to bitch about! LOL!!!

    Reply

  6. Sherri
    Jan 17, 2010 @ 12:17:42

    Thanks for the “Bitch” review.

    My boss bought his assitant a bottle of Bitch for xmas and she came into my office to proudly show it off. I had never heard of it before and I surely would have purchased this wine at some point, had I not read your fabulous review of it.

    🙂

    Reply

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