Stats, or How to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

One of the neat things about WordPress is the feature which gives one access to the statistics of one’s blog.  On the Blog Stats page one can see, among other things, exactly how many times one’s blog has been visited, whether over the past day, week or month.  This can serve as either a major ego boost, or a major depressant, depending upon how popular the world thinks one may be.  What I find truly exciting, though, is the feature that allows one to view the special combination of terms entered in a search engine that led an unsuspecting web surfer to said blog.

I’ve had some pretty amusing search terms pop up on my stats since I discovered this nifty little device.  One of my recent favorites is i want to do pull-ups in central park.  I can see how this phrase led the person on the other side of the web to this blog, but the purpose baffles me.  Does that person want to know where to do pull-ups in Central Park?  Is he looking for other pull-uppers with whom to cohort?  Letting my imagination flow to try and figure out the purpose behind some of these search terms is one of my new favorite games.

However entertaining some of the search terms may be, I can’t help but feel guilty these past few weeks. Because I’ve made a post or two about homemade Halloween costumes, or the lack of them these days, this blog seems to be a hot spot for surfers out there in Internet Land who wish to make their own costumes.  I’m sorry to disappoint them, providing no creative, step-by-step instructions on how to make the costumes I once donned.

Just look at those stats on your right.  Those search terms were from this morning alone, and it’s not even noon yet!  I wish that I could have zoomed out even more to capture the entire list for the past week; it went on for pages.  No wonder I’ve been getting so many hits recently.

I can only imagine what the Crafty Mom must think as she stumbles upon this blog in the long list of Google results…

Okay, Billy wants to be a crayon for Halloween.  That seems easy enough to make from stuff lying around the house.  I’ll just double-check online to make sure that it’s as easy to do as I think it is.  Ooh, here’s a blog post that someone wrote about a homemade crayon costume!  Excellent!  …  Wait a minute, she isn’t telling me how to make the costume at all.  She’s just bitching about how nobody ever makes their costumes anymore.  That’s not what I wanted.  I DO make my kids’ costumes, lady, and I WANT STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS!!

The fact is, I don’t have step-by-step instructions on how to recreate the masterpieces so lovingly made by my mom oh so many years ago.  However, even if I did, I’m not sure I would post them.  To me, part of the fun of making one’s own costume is creating the design oneself.  So, while I heartily applaud all those Crafty Moms out there who are willing to spend time on their children’s Halloween costumes, I apologize to all those out there in Internet Land who stumbled here looking for guidance that I cannot give.

I’m afraid that the only person I can help is the one who searched for how to make teenage mutant ninja turtle (a little over halfway down the above list).  Now, keep in mind that I’ve never actually done this before (I don’t have ready access to either turtles or radioactive goo), so my methods may need some perfecting, but I want to be as helpful as possible.  That said, proceed at your own risk.

How to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle:

  1. Get yourself some red-eared sliders.
  2. Get yourself a canister of radioactive goo.
  3. After putting on some gloves, pour radioactive goo into a plate, about an inch or two deep.
  4. Set plate in front of television, tuned to either a Jackie Chan movie or a surfer movie.
  5. Gently place turtles in goo, and let sit for about an hour.
  6. Order several pizzas; your turtles will be hungry once they have mutated.
  7. Sign your turtles up for karate classes.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. chadhend
    Oct 29, 2008 @ 05:46:21

    Hahaha, will just need to run out and buy some radioactive goo right now. Will just pop over to Iran on my way home 😉

    Those search terms are funny, aren’t they? I get my biggest hits from “broken toe” and “sniffing caffeine.” I’m so happy to be helping out all the broken toers and caffeine sniffers of the world.


  2. In10Words aka "Galileo"
    Oct 29, 2008 @ 14:03:06

    Mine’s not much of a search, but my entry on Joe Biden was randomly generated on a few conservative blogs which led them to mine.

    Granted, I’m no conservative, but readers are readers. 🙂


  3. amy
    Nov 02, 2008 @ 15:47:00

    weren’t the turtles generated when brothers (human) who happened to be martial artists stepped in radioactive goo at the same time as some turtles? You recipe make just make for some gooey turtles…. 🙂 Ok, yeah, I am avoiding work and just playing around on the internet….


  4. megan
    Nov 04, 2008 @ 11:09:26

    Amy: I knew I should have consulted you. 🙂 I just kind of figured that if you put some turtles in radioactive goo and force them to watch Kung Fu for hours on end, then naturally, they would mutate into martial artists. This is why I haven’t made millions with any comic book ideas.


  5. amy
    Nov 06, 2008 @ 01:29:14

    hmmm, well, you could do turtles the sequel, maybe with another animal — cockroaches perhaps? Also realizing I really should proofread my comments before submitting them 🙂


  6. writemeg
    Nov 14, 2008 @ 14:28:47

    This was hilarious! The search engine terms folks use to find our blogs are a constant source of amusement for me. I love it!

    You have a great name! And you even spell it correctly! But since I was here first on this blog, you will hereby be referred to as “Megan 2.” I can be “Megan 2” on your blog.


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