Ninjabread Man

I think that Mike and I are the last of our generation of mall rats. Our Saturday evenings are spent at the mall, not purchasing anything and rarely even browsing, but rather just being at the mall. This places us in an interesting social position: to the shopkeepers we are annoying whippersnappers who just hang out and never buy anything, and yet we look down our noses at the teenyboppers who come to the mall just to hang out and make fun of the shoppers, the way we once did when we were their age.

On occasion we will saunter into a store and riffle through its wares. There is a disheveled toy store in our mall that serves the singular purpose of entertaining us with its delightful childish and childlike wares. My faith in the quality of this store and its management is so low that even if it is around in the future, I doubt I would ever purchase anything for my now-unconceived children. However, for the time being we are satisfied with the low-quality amusement it offers, even if it is in the form of a singular item that catches my eye.

The other night, as we were about to leave the store, I found a small pile of video games on sale. I was amazed to see that these games were actually for the Wii, rather than some outdated gaming system. Most of the games in the pile were so forgettable that I honestly cannot remember their names. One game, however, will forever be embedded in my mind as a game with one of the coolest titles ever: Ninjabread Man.

This game is about exactly what it sounds like it would be about: a gingerbread man with martial-arts training. The cover of the game features a man-shaped baked good wielding katanas, donning a sash around his forehead and looking like he means business. For some reason he looks like he is being chased by cannibalistic cupcakes and angry-looking honeybees. According to the back of the box,

…hordes of snapping cup cakes, angry bees and jelly monsters have taken over this once sweet and tasty land. Only one man can stop this evil army of monster cakes. He’s one tough cookie, a guy that won’t crumble under the pressure……‘Ninjabread Man’ is here!

How could anyone pass up such a clever game, especially at such a bargain price?

Obviously, I couldn’t. I immediately snatched it from its shelf and begged Mike to buy it for me. With a begrudging sigh he trotted up to the cash register and made the purchase. I bounced for joy all the way home, unable to wait to see what sort of adventures Ninjabread Man would take me on.

I’ll save you the agonizing tale of shattered hopes. Sufficed to say, Ninjabread Man was a major disappointment. My main beef with this game is that I spent a whole training session learning to jump, use the swords, throw throwing stars and be a regular bad ass, only to find that in the actual game the controls completely freeze up whenever a cupcake with an attitude gets near me. I died within five minutes!

Ten premature deaths later, I threw down the controls in disgust and turned off the Wii. What was the point in controlling a highly trained martial arts cookie when he can’t handle an oncoming pastry? I moved to the computer to look up what others thought of this game that now raises my hackles when I think of it. Just about every reputable gaming site rated Ninjabread Man an abysmal 1.5 out of a possible 10. Each review, whether professional or amateur, was accurate in every way. I just wish I had read these reviews before I was seduced by the cuteness of Ninjabread Man’s sneer.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. In10Words aka "Galileo"
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 22:33:27

    Ah, so my pic in my “Wii” entry was justified. Thank you 🙂


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