Last, but certainly not least

After seeing The Last Man on Earth this past weekend, I asked myself: if the entire world’s population was transformed into either zombies or vampires or zombie vampires, and I was the only remaining human, would I survive? Although I have watched several such films (28 Days LaterNight of the Living DeadBio Zombie, to name a few), I had never really questioned the actions of the main characters. However, I simply couldn’t get past the fact that Vincent Price had lived for three years in the shadow of these half-dead creatures and still had to go to the grocery store to get garlic. How did the grocery store still have a supply of fresh garlic after three years? Why hadn’t it gone bad? Why didn’t he plant a garlic garden in the back yard? It was this skepticism at Mr Price’s actions that started the motor in my brain churning, planning my survival should I suddenly be placed in such a situation.

Mr Price was lucky in that he was able to hole up in his own home. He was also able to run errands during the daylight hours, stocking up on supplies and slowly exterminating the enemy. Please keep in mind for the remainder of this monologue that I am assuming that I would be in the same situation.

If I had the opportunity, even if it only came once, to visit a grocery store during the daylight hours, I believe I would have no problem keeping myself alive in terms of food. I tend to purchase food in large, non-perishable quantities as it is, freezing meat and other dishes I had made earlier in the week. I would have no problem eating the same meal day after day, week after week, as long as I had a slight variation once in a while. I’ve done it before. While in college I went for about two weeks eating almost nothing but peanut butter on a spoon. I realize that wasn’t the healthiest thing I could have eaten, but that just drives home the point that multi-vitamins are essential, especially in a world overrun by the undead. I’ve had fairly good luck with plants this year, and believe I could keep fresh herbs and vegetables growing for at least part of the year. With the help of a special light bulb, a miniature greenhouse could easily be kept, wherein I would raise a large amount of garlic, equally tasty and useful in warding off the undead. The question then arises, if I ate enough garlic, would the oils therein seep through my pores and emit a pungent aroma about me (as proven by a certain person in my family)? If that were the case, I probably wouldn’t need to protect my house so diligently, as the undead would wretch away from me. Perhaps that explains why we never saw Mr Price take a shower. He might have eaten a lot of garlic and didn’t want to wash away the smell. Or, maybe the undead are repelled by serious B.O.

I certainly wouldn’t take the time to dress myself in nice clothes like Mr Price did. Honestly, if you were the last person on the planet, would you really bother to tuck in your shirt? Would you bother to even put on a shirt? I know my wardrobe: jeans, tight t-shirts and sneakers: comfortable, light-weight and easy to move in. The extra material of a sports jacket would just be something else for the undead to grab. Along those lines, I may chop off all of my hair again.

Keeping in good physical shape would probably be a good idea. I doubt that Mr Price worked out on a daily basis, but he was a foot taller than me. He did say that which I already knew: the undead are relatively weak and easy to dispose of, and are only strong in numbers. I’m honestly not sure how many of the undead I could take, but the thought is an excellent incentive for exercising. All I know is that Vincent Price ran like a girl in that film, which reinforces my belief that I could hold my own in 1964 Zombieland.

My sanity would most likely come into question at some point. If you are the last person alive on the planet, what reason do you have to carry on? I doubt that I would be able to relax enough to read a good book or practice the piano knowing that the undead were at my door. The hope of finding someone else would probably be strong, but how long do you hold on to that hope? Suicide would be an option, but that would be a death without honor. My reincarnation karma would most likely be better if I went out fighting.

To conclude, I would like to recommend a book that I read a number of years ago when I first believed that zombies could really take over the world. The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead is possibly one of the most informative, common sensical books I have yet to read. If you have any inkling in your body, no matter how small, that zombies or vampires or zombie vampires are an honest threat, I suggest that you pick it up.


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